In an ideal world, conflicts between friends and lovers would, upon their resolution, collect its belongings: its anger, its grief, its sadness, its pain, and its memories, neatly into a box and (respectfully) launch it into the void of the sub-conscious, never to be seen or heard from again. In theory, the act of forgiving a person for their transgressions or their insults would entirely erase the pain that their actions caused you. It would sap the poisonous thoughts and emotions from your body like a bog leech (and not Jonathan Wojcik; a real BIG and MEATY leach found in a BIG and STINKING bog).

In reality, however… forgiveness is a constant, daily, hourly, consistent decision. To decide to let things pass, to move on, despite the consistent barrage of triggers that threaten to send you balls to the wall with anger or depression or whatever. My personal, prevailing sin is wrath, so that is my default reference in my musings. My rage is a near constant companion, but it’s getting better with age because I can express myself more freely. Also I am well aware of the legal consequences to my letting my anger get the best of me.

I digress…

I just finished a diary entry post about a deeply personal situation that has been the bane of my mental health for the past 2 ish years. I have chosen the route of forgiveness, and yet I’ve been struggling with it. The choice to forgive isn’t just a one-and-done situation. It’s a decision you make every time you are triggered, enraged, insulted, embarrassed… it’s a decision you make because you value something, or someone, more than the value of harm that the betrayal or insult caused on your life, your psyche.

To be honest with you, this one was a very close call. Very close. I relive the humiliation every time my friends and family ask how it’s going; when they ask if there have been any more “issues”, knowing full well what the issue was and how much pain I was in. The humiliation or reconciling a relationship that deeply disrespected you and enraged you. That enraged your friends, your family.

The humiliation of having a beautiful moment spoiled by a pervasive thought… reminding you of the past, of the shame, the hurt, the rage. It agitates the ego to the extent where I have to remind myself of the reasons why I decided to close the gap in the first place. Love, safety, connection, friendship, lifelong companionship… is that not worth more than mere seconds or minutes of embarrassment?

But it’s not just seconds or minutes, is it? What is the accumulation of time that I lost because of the betrayal? The energy I wasted, the connections I severed, the money I spent, the tears I cried… is it all worth it? How can a person ever be sure, beyond blind faith?

How can I be sure that the decisions I make now will bear fruit for my future, or if I will end up doubley humiliated and betrayed for choosing peace when my soul raged for war?

I guess that’s the catch. A person can never be sure that the decisions they’re making are the right ones until time has passed to prove the effectiveness of a path. All a person can really do is make decisions on what feels right to them. We are all alone when we go to bed at night. We will be alone on our last night, forever. I will do now what I think will help me sleep the most peacefully in my eternity.

I see that the reward is worth the risk. That does not change the anxiety around the decision; the insecurity. I simply must trust in myself; have faith that I made the best decision for me with the information I had at the time; and that if new information arises that challenges my previous decision, that I will have the strength to choose myself and my needs over others.

Though, I’d say it’s easier to make a singular, confident decision, than that of forgiveness, which is an ongoing adventure. A consistent practice within oneself to respond to emotional triggers with patience, understanding, and faith. Patience with oneself during the healing process; the acknowledgement that, unfortunately, the cliche is true… time really does heal all wounds; or at the very least, we are able to grow our lives around the pain which never shrinks but becomes more manageable. Understanding that healing takes time, that the process is never linear, that there will be bumps and roadblocks along the way. Finally, the faith, not only in yourself, but also in the other(s), that the wound will heal and the behaviour or betrayal will never be repeated. Or at the very least, the faith that you will be able to set boundaries to protect yourself, that you will have the strength to leave or to fight back.

Life is not linear. Forgiveness is not linear. We can not know, conclusively or beyond a reasonable doubt, what life has in store for us. But we must have faith that we will make the right decisions for ourselves with the information that we have at the time… and that if we forgive the wrong person, or are more lenient in our forgiveness of others and are betrayed because of it, we must have faith that we will forgive ourselves, as well, for our own weakness and naiveté.