I’m scared. Terrified, actually.

You’ve made me realize a severe limitation in my emotional capabilities. An inability to express a negative emotion confidently; anger, sadness, disappointment. I’d learned that my emotions were not acceptable. I buried them deep inside until they rotted and corrupted me. I pretended that everything was fine – I over accommodated, I over gave, I over performed. All to make myself appear as small as possible – easier to love, easier to commit to. An unfortunate consequence of my past relationship. I didn’t realize that the scars had run that deep, that I’d made myself become so… palatable. So small. You called me out yesterday for being avoidant of true vulnerability, of being too accommodating, too quick to forgive you for the pain you’d caused me… and you were right. You are right. Here we were discussing your difficulties with communication when mine own had been sitting pretty next to us, quiet and reserved. I think that actually might explain the poorly restrained anger I’ve kept rolling in my body for the past few years. The waves have been building, and building, and building, without release. An aggressive dog on a leash, choking itself in its own fury.

You always were so perceptive of me. You’ve always seen through me, beyond my skin through to my inner child hiding, terrified, in the shadows of my mind. You made me believe that I was actually worth something. Worthy of something. That I wasn’t truly so unlovable, so hard to commit to. You gave me hope. I think that’s what made it hurt so much when you disappeared on me. You took all of the love, value, hope, and faith that I’d begun to collect in myself. I turned you into a villain for it – told myself that of course it was too good to be true, that you were just as the others: a liar, a cheat, a thief…. but that’s not the case, is it? It’s just the story I told myself. Why else would a man like you be interested in a woman like me, if you weren’t using me for something? You put me on a pedestal, but I did the same to you. Of course it was never sustainable. We burned hot and bright, and we burned right out. I blamed you, but… it really wasn’t your fault. It was mine, too. We didn’t build a strong enough foundation. We didn’t take enough time. It was too much, too soon. But it was perfect (until it wasn’t). It felt like a dream that I wanted to live in forever. You were a gift from God, sent to me as a gift; a reward for all I’d suffered in my life. Unfortunately for that pedestal I put you on, you are also just a man. A human with flaws, with fears, with limitations. That bubble burst was a devastating one. For both of us, I’m sure.

I thought about you a lot this summer. I compared you with every man who had the audacity to try to ask me out. None of them compared. I have never been treated so well by a man in my life, save for my father. You made me feel like I had value; that I was worth knowing and caring for. That I was worthy of love and commitment. That being truly respected and valued by a partner was possible. You’ve raised my standards forever. At the break of summer, I’d met another man, totally my type. We had a 5 month thing. Not really worth fleshing out on its own post, but it was nice. Companionable. Promising. Very Promising. Yet, I still compared him to you. He could not match…but it was close. Close enough. But not you.

You scare the absolute living daylights out of me. You’ve always ignited that desire in me to want to do better, to be better. To do more. You inspire me more than any person I’ve ever met. I admire you – your ambition, your assertiveness, your boundaries, your directness, your honesty. You’re so strong in all the ways that I’m not. You could very well be the other side of my coin. I need to learn how to feel safe to express my true emotions – my disappointment, my fear, my anger. I think I will try to do that with you the next time I see you, which I hope is soon. I know is soon. I am the moth to your flame, just like that Weeknd song.

I’m so happy that you reached out, that you told me how you felt.

I’m excited to see you again.

Maybe this will be our second chance. Maybe we will get it right this time. I hope.